When you just know…

em·bark
əmˈbärk/
verb
1. begin (a course of action, especially one that is important or demanding)

     It doesn’t take a clairvoyant to have a presentiment about a situation. Bad piling atop bad does not usually ever equal good. We all have those hunches or gut feelings that we either listen to or ignore. I have learned that those gut feelings are very close to always right.
     Yesterday, after careful consideration,ee9105f27629e6d01817e337431d42b5 and many discussions with my therapist, I acted on my gut feeling. I may very well have committed career suicide in doing so, but I know without a shred of doubt, that it was the right thing to do. This decision has had my stress levels at unbelievable heights for the last few months. Usually in a high stress situation like this, where I am putting myself in a very vulnerable state, my body will manifest reactions beforehand like the nervous shakes, or an upset stomach, and generally I can feel my heart beating out of my chest as I am walking in to confront the situation. On my way to this meeting however, I caught myself singing along to a song on the car radio while I drove the 25 minutes to get there. I knew what I was about to do could come with many repercussions that may affect my life for a good while, but I wasn’t even thinking about it. When I became aware of this I realized the amazing amount of thought that had gone into this decision. I was not reacting to anger, or any other emotion. I was simply listening to my intuition, and being true to myself, and the things that I believe in. This gave me a feeling of overwhelming peace.
     I feel like I said alot of things in that meeting that alot of people wish they could say. I feel like I stood up for more than just my coworkers, but for every single customer, who in my line of business, is just about every single person on this grand blue ball. I took one for the team if you will. I left the ball in their court, and I got up and walked away with my head held high, and my dignity and ethos in tact.
     My Father always taught me “Say what you mean, and do what you say”. Dad, today I did that. I know if you were here you probably would have tried to talk me out of it because the results were probably only DSC01168going to “hurt me”. In the end my two cents probably will not change a thing, as I so hope it will, and that you will probably be right about. But Dad, it changed me, and right now that is what is important to me. It cannot “hurt” me, it can only continue to help me grow and find my path. I am learning and growing everyday, and still think about the things you taught me just as often. I am far from perfect, I still have terrible days, I still sometimes do things that I know are wrong, and I still react to emotions too much. The difference however, is that today, more than yesterday, or the day before, I am realizing these things about myself. When emotions do come up I am giving them extra attention, and finding out that if I pay attention to my body, and the places these things manifest physically in me, that I can better control how I deal with things mentally.
     In a few days I will be mourning 4 years since you left this world. It is fitting that I will be doing that while embarking on another new chapter in my life. One of many, with who knows how many more to come. I have spent alot of time recently reminiscing. I realize that every time I have had any kind of life changing events, that they always came with a valid reason, and a path to greater good. Even if at the time things looked bleak, and scary. Even when those moments were forced by bad things that happened. Especially, even when they were what seemed like the toughest moments in my life at the time. They had good reason, greater meaning, and held important lessons of life, than we ever see in a single moment. I am no longer reminiscing, I am looking forward and trusting that things will work out. All that looking back taught me one simple thing, things always work out for the greater good as long as your intentions are that. I love and miss you Pops, I know you and Mom are still probably dancing and celebrating being brought back together. ❤ you both. Miss you both. Thank you for not being like everyone else, and for allowing me to do the same.77119_10202151772089662_1912040543_n
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