Deep in thought…

12009842_1010929048971496_1783212286881627438_n     For the last three days I have been deep in thought. I disconnected from everything and everyone, well except my best dog buddy, and just took some time to think. I didn’t plan the future or even think further ahead than the moment I was in. I just took some time to feel everything in my life. I have been very drained from the constant struggle between what I truly believe, and the thing that I have done for a living for the last, almost 4 years. As I have awakened to truths, and see how terribly misguided and lied to we all are through advertising, mainstream media, government, and even our own doctors, it has become more and more clear to me that I can no longer tolerate the sadness, and guilt I feel everyday when I walk through those doors, under the guise that I am “saving lives”. The pharmaceutical industry cares nothing for you or your loved ones, they care only for the billions of dollars that they can make off of you. They need you sick, the doctors need you sick, every single person that is employed there, needs you sick. They want customers, it makes very little business sense for them to actually help you. This is a fact that I have witnessed everyday for almost 4 years. You can argue with me if you’d like, but I have no argument to give you back, it is no longer worth my breath. I’ve seen and participated in the lies daily, I’ve seen “the waving of the magic wand” over and over.

I know in my heart the way to health, and it has nothing to do with pills or medicine. Health comes from6e3e1105ad1342889f1c8f92ec648685 inside you. The vessel your spirit lives in is piloted by a mind with almost limitless power. We are creators, everything we have, we create, good or bad. That which you give power to, has power over you. Our intuition, that little voice inside our head that chatters all day, knows what’s best for us, yet we are trained almost from birth to ignore it. We follow the leader and keep up with the Jones’. We watch TV and stare at our phones more than we pay attention to the 3 lb god that lives inside of our vessel.

I am utterly convinced that I am on a path in a direction that I have very little control over. Every step I take brings me new revelations about life, love, loss, and learning. I see little signs everywhere. Just a tiny example, I have read three books this year, on three completely different topics, suggested by three different people. Yet each one has mentioned the book that I had just previously finished. I am being guided by something much larger. I used to think asking for signs was tempting fate. I ask for signs nearly daily now, and almost unfailingly they come to me.

The one lesson that has shined through all the others to me throughout these last 4 years of my life, loves, and work is truth. Honesty is the most important part of our existence and the ground level of d032d0f3c0c2775d231e90de878e06e0every type of relationship we ever have. Truth is not always easy, it is not always what we want to hear, sometimes it beats the living crap out of us, and sometimes it angers others, but in the end it is the most important part of our existence. I would rather be hurt by the truth, than ever lied to. And I would rather be honest than anything else. In my line of work that is, I have found, impossible.

I’ve spent my whole life not even being true to myself. Poisoning my body and ignoring my mind. I finally realized that just about the same time I began working at this job. I believe that was also a part of a path toward clarity for me. If I couldn’t be true to myself, how could I ever be true to others? How many of you reading this are being true to yourself? I mean really deep down inside. Are you searching for the gift you are supposed to share with the world, or are you, like I have mostly always been, just doing what you were taught was right? Are you trying to adult your way to the next moment, or living life for a paycheck because you are taught you have to? Are you staying with a partner for the simple fact that it is easier to suck it up and just deal with it, rather than put the work in and be true to your own spirit, your own voice inside your head? Are you taking medications daily or giving them to your children because, some guy in a white coat, paid by a billion dollar corporation, tells you that it will help. You are likely taking years off of your life, and time away from your loved ones every time you swallow a pill.

Take the time for them and for yourself and work at your health, and your life, it will bring much larger rewards. The cells in your body regenerate an almost completely new you every few months. This is where the now countless stories of people given a few days to live with terminal disease who are now cured, come from. The stories are all nearly the same. These people simply decided they were going to heal. In your life, find the things that little voice is telling you, that your conscience is telling you are wrongd08004a2c32523c03c88413d32012aa1 and turn them around. Stop ignoring what you know is right because of what someone else tells you. Look within for the answers because every single one of them is there for you. The medicines you take will never help you find them, and in all likelihood, as it undoubtedly says on the packaging, are doing more harm than good. There are stories of people addicted to Xanax that have been trying unsuccessfully for years to wean off of it. While they may bring temporary relief for your symptoms, provided they are what they profess to be, they will never cure you of anything.

     I know I am here in some respect to heal people. I am still searching for the how. The best way I know to help someone heal right now is through sharing what I have learned and read about while on this path. The stories are endless, whether it be debilitating trauma, cancer, AIDS, mental disorders, addiction, etc. Mine is one of them. The way to true healing comes from within.


This is the book I am reading now. If you have any kind of trauma, that you have suffered in your life this book will give you a very real healing path, and also better help you understand the effects that trauma has in your life, and the ways our body deals with it. It will help you better recognize the signs our body gives us, what they mean, and how to better deal with triggers. This man has spent his lifetime working with trauma patients.


This Year’s Garden

Goodbye spring. It was quite the fling.IMG_20150830_091146

Never did I wish for such a thing.

The flowers did bloom, and the birds did sing,

But i had envisioned much bigger things.


We planted a seed,

We took interest in each others need.

Then lost hold on the lead.


Almost from the first peak of a bud from the ground.

I really thought you’d stick around.

Every time that we shared space, happiness did abound.IMG_20150830_085604

Every day a new flower found.


I forgot to water you one day.

And it all just went away.

A single moment in a pleasant day.


The withering was fast.

The sun grew hot, the time flew past.

I watered away, but stood aghast.

At the deadened leaves in piles amassed.


No matter the attention I gave.DSC01304

This I could not save.

I had become to you just another knave.


The pattern to me now is clear.

We can only be allowed so near.

Before we are forced to swim through past rivers of tears.

And all the things that drive the fear.


We are pushed back down into the ground,

Just as we were found.DSC01291

Like trampled dead leaves scattered all around.


It is not about us.

This pain and mistrust.

It comes from a place, long refused to adjust.

A mind so cluttered it causes such fuss.


We are victims of walls built so long ago.

Yet you hold on for dear life whenever we go.11187144_1392980971029024_626570360756639846_o

Pushing and pulling whenever we’re close.


The heat has ended, overcome by the cold.

Petals have fallen amongst the mold.

Surprised by the obvious, obviously foretold.

Into this fall I walk, another lesson, to me, extolled.





noun – an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
verb – be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

     Fear. Everyone has fears. There is no denying the presence of this undesirable emotion in every single one of us. We all have things that trigger our fears. I always feared the feeling of taking off in an aircraft. The second it starts to move you are placing your life in the hands of another human, actually many, and the fate of the universe. I believe this fear inside of me stems from the lack of control of the moment. I am not fearing crashing or dying, but that I am no longer in control of those possibilities. As you ascend into the heavens those fears generally fade. They may still be there inside of you, in the pit of your stomach, or in the form of your heart beating faster, but more often than not, after a few minutes, the initial thought process of the fear changes. As you look out and take in the beauty of such a surreal view of earth your mind is distracted from the initial fear response, and that tends to let us relax into our surroundings.
     I still do not like flying, and am still not sure I will ever fly again, but I am glad I felt that fear, and conquered it because the memories I have are still, to this day, some of the most memorable and picturesque things my eyes have ever rested upon. As humans most of us travel the same paths, and go about our lives in what ultimately amounts to a tiny fraction of this beautiful planet we live on everyday. As you take off, and climb into the sky, the first realization you get, is how huge this place actually is. The landscape changes from the tops of buildings into a checkerboard of almost unrecognizable places in just a few short minutes. As you rise, even the most grandiose buildings disappear into the vastness of the land. If it is a cloudy day, what an unbelievable sight it is to burst out above the clouds, and weather to see the sun!
      Of course this is only one of many fears we all have, and we all have different ways of dealing with our fears. I think about my fears, and try to liken them to that plane ride. Most times the initial feeling of fear is magnified, sweaty palms, racing heart, that feeling in the pit of your stomach. These are all indicators. Recognizing those indicators is a very important aspect to reacting to fear, the same as any other emotion such as anger, anxiety, or sadness. Many times just recognizing those physical reactions in your body will allow you to put in perspective the moment. This can help to fade that feeling, in order to help our mind control our body’s physical reaction. These indicators, when recognized, are much like the distraction from the beauty of the surroundings when climbing to the sky in a plane. When we as people can control our thoughts about a situation this way, our reactions will almost always be more in line with the situation because we know that initial fear (anger, anxiety, or sadness) will fade quickly. Instead of an initial fear response like fight or flight, many times we can just surrender to the moment, and realize that even in fear, the beauty of the moment may be just on the other side of the clouds.
      There is a priest in my hometown whose home was invaded, and for upwards of an hour was held at knife point. He was ordered to open a safe before being tied up by the burglars, and forced to the ground. He simply told the robbers he would pray for them. He had locks that did not help. Had he had a gun, that probably wouldn’t have mattered either, because it was such a quick and brazen crime. He simply accepted that god was watching over him, and surrendered to the moment. I am sure that he was very afraid, as anyone would be. I’m sure his heart was beating probably much like that of a passenger on a plane ascending to the sky for the first time. I’m sure he thought about fighting back, or how to escape. Many times we are given no choice but to resort to one of these instincts, and no one would be wrong to do either in a situation of possible imminent harm. This brave man chose to surrender and trust fate. It takes a very brave person in a situation like this to surrender to the moment. This man did that, and probably saved himself harm by doing so.
     Hopefully none of us ever has to make a choice like this. Most of the fears we feel everyday are nowhere near the magnitude of something like this. I try to use these tools, and remember the story of this priest, and surrender to many different emotions, and it helps me to react more in line with the moment, and communicate my feelings better, rather than play to my fear or anger reactions. Many times when I notice these physical indicators, a single deep breath can help me surrender, and burst through those clouds to find the sun.