Deep in thought…

12009842_1010929048971496_1783212286881627438_n     For the last three days I have been deep in thought. I disconnected from everything and everyone, well except my best dog buddy, and just took some time to think. I didn’t plan the future or even think further ahead than the moment I was in. I just took some time to feel everything in my life. I have been very drained from the constant struggle between what I truly believe, and the thing that I have done for a living for the last, almost 4 years. As I have awakened to truths, and see how terribly misguided and lied to we all are through advertising, mainstream media, government, and even our own doctors, it has become more and more clear to me that I can no longer tolerate the sadness, and guilt I feel everyday when I walk through those doors, under the guise that I am “saving lives”. The pharmaceutical industry cares nothing for you or your loved ones, they care only for the billions of dollars that they can make off of you. They need you sick, the doctors need you sick, every single person that is employed there, needs you sick. They want customers, it makes very little business sense for them to actually help you. This is a fact that I have witnessed everyday for almost 4 years. You can argue with me if you’d like, but I have no argument to give you back, it is no longer worth my breath. I’ve seen and participated in the lies daily, I’ve seen “the waving of the magic wand” over and over.

I know in my heart the way to health, and it has nothing to do with pills or medicine. Health comes from6e3e1105ad1342889f1c8f92ec648685 inside you. The vessel your spirit lives in is piloted by a mind with almost limitless power. We are creators, everything we have, we create, good or bad. That which you give power to, has power over you. Our intuition, that little voice inside our head that chatters all day, knows what’s best for us, yet we are trained almost from birth to ignore it. We follow the leader and keep up with the Jones’. We watch TV and stare at our phones more than we pay attention to the 3 lb god that lives inside of our vessel.

I am utterly convinced that I am on a path in a direction that I have very little control over. Every step I take brings me new revelations about life, love, loss, and learning. I see little signs everywhere. Just a tiny example, I have read three books this year, on three completely different topics, suggested by three different people. Yet each one has mentioned the book that I had just previously finished. I am being guided by something much larger. I used to think asking for signs was tempting fate. I ask for signs nearly daily now, and almost unfailingly they come to me.

The one lesson that has shined through all the others to me throughout these last 4 years of my life, loves, and work is truth. Honesty is the most important part of our existence and the ground level of d032d0f3c0c2775d231e90de878e06e0every type of relationship we ever have. Truth is not always easy, it is not always what we want to hear, sometimes it beats the living crap out of us, and sometimes it angers others, but in the end it is the most important part of our existence. I would rather be hurt by the truth, than ever lied to. And I would rather be honest than anything else. In my line of work that is, I have found, impossible.

I’ve spent my whole life not even being true to myself. Poisoning my body and ignoring my mind. I finally realized that just about the same time I began working at this job. I believe that was also a part of a path toward clarity for me. If I couldn’t be true to myself, how could I ever be true to others? How many of you reading this are being true to yourself? I mean really deep down inside. Are you searching for the gift you are supposed to share with the world, or are you, like I have mostly always been, just doing what you were taught was right? Are you trying to adult your way to the next moment, or living life for a paycheck because you are taught you have to? Are you staying with a partner for the simple fact that it is easier to suck it up and just deal with it, rather than put the work in and be true to your own spirit, your own voice inside your head? Are you taking medications daily or giving them to your children because, some guy in a white coat, paid by a billion dollar corporation, tells you that it will help. You are likely taking years off of your life, and time away from your loved ones every time you swallow a pill.

Take the time for them and for yourself and work at your health, and your life, it will bring much larger rewards. The cells in your body regenerate an almost completely new you every few months. This is where the now countless stories of people given a few days to live with terminal disease who are now cured, come from. The stories are all nearly the same. These people simply decided they were going to heal. In your life, find the things that little voice is telling you, that your conscience is telling you are wrongd08004a2c32523c03c88413d32012aa1 and turn them around. Stop ignoring what you know is right because of what someone else tells you. Look within for the answers because every single one of them is there for you. The medicines you take will never help you find them, and in all likelihood, as it undoubtedly says on the packaging, are doing more harm than good. There are stories of people addicted to Xanax that have been trying unsuccessfully for years to wean off of it. While they may bring temporary relief for your symptoms, provided they are what they profess to be, they will never cure you of anything.

     I know I am here in some respect to heal people. I am still searching for the how. The best way I know to help someone heal right now is through sharing what I have learned and read about while on this path. The stories are endless, whether it be debilitating trauma, cancer, AIDS, mental disorders, addiction, etc. Mine is one of them. The way to true healing comes from within.


This is the book I am reading now. If you have any kind of trauma, that you have suffered in your life this book will give you a very real healing path, and also better help you understand the effects that trauma has in your life, and the ways our body deals with it. It will help you better recognize the signs our body gives us, what they mean, and how to better deal with triggers. This man has spent his lifetime working with trauma patients.


Testimonials from people who have NOT benefited from a daily meditation and yoga routine.




When you just know…

1. begin (a course of action, especially one that is important or demanding)

¬† ¬† ¬†It doesn’t take a clairvoyant to have a presentiment about a situation. Bad piling atop bad does not usually ever equal good. We all have those hunches or gut feelings that we either listen to or ignore. I have learned that those gut feelings are very close to always right.
¬† ¬† ¬†Yesterday, after careful consideration,ee9105f27629e6d01817e337431d42b5 and many discussions with my therapist, I acted on my gut feeling. I may very well have committed career suicide in doing so, but I know without a shred of doubt, that it was the right thing to do. This decision has had my stress levels at unbelievable heights¬†for the last few months. Usually in a high stress situation like this, where I am putting myself in a very vulnerable state, my body will manifest reactions beforehand like the nervous shakes, or an upset stomach, and generally I can feel my heart beating out of my chest as I am walking in to confront the situation. On my way to this meeting however, I caught myself singing along to a song on the car radio while I drove the 25 minutes to get there. I knew what I was about¬†to do could come with many repercussions that may affect my life for a good while, but I wasn’t even thinking about it. When I became aware of this I realized the amazing amount of thought that had gone into this decision. I was not reacting to anger, or any other emotion. I was simply listening to my intuition, and being true to myself, and the things that I believe in. This gave me a feeling of overwhelming peace.
     I feel like I said alot of things in that meeting that alot of people wish they could say. I feel like I stood up for more than just my coworkers, but for every single customer, who in my line of business, is just about every single person on this grand blue ball. I took one for the team if you will. I left the ball in their court, and I got up and walked away with my head held high, and my dignity and ethos in tact.
¬† ¬† ¬†My Father always taught me “Say what you mean, and do what you say”. Dad, today I did that. I know if you were here you probably would have tried to talk me out of it because the results were probably only DSC01168going to “hurt me”. In the end my two cents probably will not change a thing, as I so hope it will, and that you will probably be right about. But Dad, it changed me, and right now that is what is important to me. It cannot “hurt” me, it can only continue to help me grow and find my path. I am learning and growing everyday, and still think about the things you taught me just as often. I am far from perfect, I still have terrible days, I still sometimes do things that I know are wrong, and I still react to emotions too much. The difference however, is that today, more than yesterday, or the day before, I am realizing these things about myself. When emotions¬†do come up I am giving them extra attention, and finding out that if I pay attention to my body, and the places these things manifest physically in me, that I can better control how I deal with things mentally.
¬† ¬† ¬†In a few days I will be mourning 4 years since you left this world. It is fitting that I will be doing that while embarking on another new chapter in my life. One of many, with who knows how many more to come. I have spent alot of time recently reminiscing. I realize that every time I have had any kind of life changing events, that they always¬†came with a valid reason, and a path to greater good. Even if at the time things¬†looked bleak, and scary. Even when those moments were forced by bad things that happened. Especially, even when they were what seemed like the toughest moments in my life at the time. They had good reason, greater meaning, and held important¬†lessons of life, than we ever see in a single moment. I am no longer reminiscing, I am looking forward and trusting that things will work out. All that looking back taught me one simple thing, things always work out for the greater good as long as your intentions are that. I love and miss you Pops, I know you and Mom are still probably dancing and celebrating being brought back together. ‚̧ you both. Miss you both. Thank you for not being like everyone else, and for allowing me to do the same.77119_10202151772089662_1912040543_n

This Year’s Garden

Goodbye spring. It was quite the fling.IMG_20150830_091146

Never did I wish for such a thing.

The flowers did bloom, and the birds did sing,

But i had envisioned much bigger things.


We planted a seed,

We took interest in each others need.

Then lost hold on the lead.


Almost from the first peak of a bud from the ground.

I really thought you’d stick around.

Every time that we shared space, happiness did abound.IMG_20150830_085604

Every day a new flower found.


I forgot to water you one day.

And it all just went away.

A single moment in a pleasant day.


The withering was fast.

The sun grew hot, the time flew past.

I watered away, but stood aghast.

At the deadened leaves in piles amassed.


No matter the attention I gave.DSC01304

This I could not save.

I had become to you just another knave.


The pattern to me now is clear.

We can only be allowed so near.

Before we are forced to swim through past rivers of tears.

And all the things that drive the fear.


We are pushed back down into the ground,

Just as we were found.DSC01291

Like trampled dead leaves scattered all around.


It is not about us.

This pain and mistrust.

It comes from a place, long refused to adjust.

A mind so cluttered it causes such fuss.


We are victims of walls built so long ago.

Yet you hold on for dear life whenever we go.11187144_1392980971029024_626570360756639846_o

Pushing and pulling whenever we’re close.


The heat has ended, overcome by the cold.

Petals have fallen amongst the mold.

Surprised by the obvious, obviously foretold.

Into this fall I walk, another lesson, to me, extolled.






      1. the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

Now the definition from a source that truly knows addiction….

According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), the definition of addiction is the following:

“Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.“


The first rule of writing… Write what you know. I have known addiction for better than three quarters of my life. I began with nicotine at age 8, and am still a pack a day smoker 35 years later. I have fiddled with pills, LSD, mushrooms, cocaine, and alcohol. Alcohol has always been my crutch. For the last 3 years I have been in recovery from these addictions. We all know these addictions, but many people suffer from addictions to many different things. Television is a very common one. Video games, gambling, food, exercise, even sex can be a problem for some. Did you know that people can also suffer from addiction to emotions? Emotional addiction can be a crutch much the same as drugs or alcohol. When an emotion is repeated over and over it becomes something familiar that we can cling to, that makes us comfortable, or makes us feel protected when we are triggered. Not only is it usually a false sense of comfort, it can cause and endless loop of painful feelings and reactions.

   Some of the most common emotional addictions are:
  • Anger¬† a form of dissatisfaction, frustration, disappointment, or resentment. Reactions may include¬†fits of rage, or a verbal outburst.
  • Fear is not only a paralyzing, body shaking adrenaline-pumping emotion. It manifests in so many ways such as lack of trust (in self and others), hesitation, indecision, doubt, anxiety, or procrastination.
  • Sadness can manifest in apathy, indifference, helplessness, or a sense of lack.
  • Depression¬†can cause suicidal thoughts in many sufferers.


The hard part is knowing, or noticing these patterns within ourselves. As with any addiction, many times it is easier fc69b44d2b62989e8d174f510a76aaaafor¬†someone outside the addiction to notice. In order to notice these things within ourselves we need to examine ourselves closely which many times is very hard to do. People with these types of addictions usually spend most of the time finding excuses for their actions, and putting blame on others for causing their reaction, without ever noticing a pattern or problem. Many times we think an angry reaction might make someone¬†respect our position in the moment better. This is generally not the case, and usually causes more harm than good.¬†Aren’t we all responsible for the ways we react? Instead of reacting negatively, usually we can find a better reaction that does not cause more negativity, or averts it altogether, garnering true respect. This explains why these addictions are very hard to ever try to tame. Recovery for any addiction starts with acknowledgement of,¬†and admission of a problem.

One good way of becoming aware that these things may be a problem is by sitting with that emotion. When an emotion like anger comes up, let yourself feel it. The next time you are driving, and someone cuts you off, or beeps at you for what you think is no reason, this would be a good time to try this. Sit and breathe into that feeling, and notice anywhere that feeling manifests¬†into a physical reaction¬†in your body. It may be a clenching fist or jaw, (or an unfurling finger, don’t laugh we have all done it) or maybe more subtle like a facial expression. Whatever it is, just notice it, don’t judge it. Find where in your body this feeling lives. The next time this emotion comes up you may notice the very same physical reaction. If you practice this enough, and you will start to be able to notice these physical manifestations, and adjust your reaction accordingly, thereby breaking the cycle of that negative emotion controlling you. This is the start of your recovery. It takes some practice, but as with any addiction it can be overcome with work and dedication to yourself, and your well being.

If we are looking at life through these negative emotions, how can we ever feel joy, or happiness. dc0a95c523d30e8406ee024c8b35f8e2Those are things we would all like to feel more of. How can we see the good in others if we are always reacting from a place of negativity? How many times have you reacted negatively toward someone and regretted it? Feeling negativity without reacting to it will empower you. It will change more each time you practice it, and lighten the load on your emotions ten fold. It will help you to realize that these negative emotions are separate from ourselves, and they do not define us. Take pride in your recovery, we are all human, and as imperfect as the person next to us. We however can be a better person than we were yesterday. If that is our goal, it can be achieved.