Deep in thought…

12009842_1010929048971496_1783212286881627438_n     For the last three days I have been deep in thought. I disconnected from everything and everyone, well except my best dog buddy, and just took some time to think. I didn’t plan the future or even think further ahead than the moment I was in. I just took some time to feel everything in my life. I have been very drained from the constant struggle between what I truly believe, and the thing that I have done for a living for the last, almost 4 years. As I have awakened to truths, and see how terribly misguided and lied to we all are through advertising, mainstream media, government, and even our own doctors, it has become more and more clear to me that I can no longer tolerate the sadness, and guilt I feel everyday when I walk through those doors, under the guise that I am “saving lives”. The pharmaceutical industry cares nothing for you or your loved ones, they care only for the billions of dollars that they can make off of you. They need you sick, the doctors need you sick, every single person that is employed there, needs you sick. They want customers, it makes very little business sense for them to actually help you. This is a fact that I have witnessed everyday for almost 4 years. You can argue with me if you’d like, but I have no argument to give you back, it is no longer worth my breath. I’ve seen and participated in the lies daily, I’ve seen “the waving of the magic wand” over and over.

I know in my heart the way to health, and it has nothing to do with pills or medicine. Health comes from6e3e1105ad1342889f1c8f92ec648685 inside you. The vessel your spirit lives in is piloted by a mind with almost limitless power. We are creators, everything we have, we create, good or bad. That which you give power to, has power over you. Our intuition, that little voice inside our head that chatters all day, knows what’s best for us, yet we are trained almost from birth to ignore it. We follow the leader and keep up with the Jones’. We watch TV and stare at our phones more than we pay attention to the 3 lb god that lives inside of our vessel.

I am utterly convinced that I am on a path in a direction that I have very little control over. Every step I take brings me new revelations about life, love, loss, and learning. I see little signs everywhere. Just a tiny example, I have read three books this year, on three completely different topics, suggested by three different people. Yet each one has mentioned the book that I had just previously finished. I am being guided by something much larger. I used to think asking for signs was tempting fate. I ask for signs nearly daily now, and almost unfailingly they come to me.

The one lesson that has shined through all the others to me throughout these last 4 years of my life, loves, and work is truth. Honesty is the most important part of our existence and the ground level of d032d0f3c0c2775d231e90de878e06e0every type of relationship we ever have. Truth is not always easy, it is not always what we want to hear, sometimes it beats the living crap out of us, and sometimes it angers others, but in the end it is the most important part of our existence. I would rather be hurt by the truth, than ever lied to. And I would rather be honest than anything else. In my line of work that is, I have found, impossible.

I’ve spent my whole life not even being true to myself. Poisoning my body and ignoring my mind. I finally realized that just about the same time I began working at this job. I believe that was also a part of a path toward clarity for me. If I couldn’t be true to myself, how could I ever be true to others? How many of you reading this are being true to yourself? I mean really deep down inside. Are you searching for the gift you are supposed to share with the world, or are you, like I have mostly always been, just doing what you were taught was right? Are you trying to adult your way to the next moment, or living life for a paycheck because you are taught you have to? Are you staying with a partner for the simple fact that it is easier to suck it up and just deal with it, rather than put the work in and be true to your own spirit, your own voice inside your head? Are you taking medications daily or giving them to your children because, some guy in a white coat, paid by a billion dollar corporation, tells you that it will help. You are likely taking years off of your life, and time away from your loved ones every time you swallow a pill.

Take the time for them and for yourself and work at your health, and your life, it will bring much larger rewards. The cells in your body regenerate an almost completely new you every few months. This is where the now countless stories of people given a few days to live with terminal disease who are now cured, come from. The stories are all nearly the same. These people simply decided they were going to heal. In your life, find the things that little voice is telling you, that your conscience is telling you are wrongd08004a2c32523c03c88413d32012aa1 and turn them around. Stop ignoring what you know is right because of what someone else tells you. Look within for the answers because every single one of them is there for you. The medicines you take will never help you find them, and in all likelihood, as it undoubtedly says on the packaging, are doing more harm than good. There are stories of people addicted to Xanax that have been trying unsuccessfully for years to wean off of it. While they may bring temporary relief for your symptoms, provided they are what they profess to be, they will never cure you of anything.

     I know I am here in some respect to heal people. I am still searching for the how. The best way I know to help someone heal right now is through sharing what I have learned and read about while on this path. The stories are endless, whether it be debilitating trauma, cancer, AIDS, mental disorders, addiction, etc. Mine is one of them. The way to true healing comes from within.

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This is the book I am reading now. If you have any kind of trauma, that you have suffered in your life this book will give you a very real healing path, and also better help you understand the effects that trauma has in your life, and the ways our body deals with it. It will help you better recognize the signs our body gives us, what they mean, and how to better deal with triggers. This man has spent his lifetime working with trauma patients.

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365


365 days

That could have went a million different ways.

I took a chance that I thought I had missed.

Still so very sad, that it became this.

Hello goodbyes, I reminisce,

I thought there’d be so much you’d miss.

On this day I invited you in,

Quickly my heart began to spin.

I fell further each day.

All my tears withered away.

You pulled me up from the bottomless pit,

Without you, there, I would still sit.

Even after all, that it became,

I miss you each day, for that, I am not ashamed.

I’m not the person that you’re seeing in me.

I promised that, to you, I never would be.

Still lost for why things, are what they are.

All I can do, for you, is wish upon stars.

If, when you walked away, what you said was true.

Then you walked away from me, for something you never even knew.

I hope you are well, and finding some peace,

I still care about you, that will never cease.

When I said those three words, I meant them for true.

My love doesn’t die, that is love, even if it wasn’t in you.

You said that it was, how quickly it flew.

It mustn’t have been, or those words simply have a different meaning to you.

I know it was quick, and I’m sorry for that,

I see clearer than most, with my feelings I’ve sat.

The healer in me always throws open my arms,

When instead it should set off all my alarms.

Yet I never said a lying word to you,

Every word from my mouth was utterly true.

Your reading these words, and fearing of me,

Yet to you, that, I never would be.

I know that trust is hard to believe,

I wish you could see, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I mean you no harm, I care so much about you,

It hurts to hear the things that you’re thinking I do.

I thank you for what you’ve brought back to me,

Nature, my heart, all the things you said I should see.

More fun with you, they would have been,

It wasn’t to be, I still wish it was then.

I’m sorry that you don’t get to choose how I feel.

You don’t get a say in the ways that I heal.

I lost something that meant a lot to me.

I tried to tell YOU, but you banished me.

I’m sorry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and all of the like.

The last few years of my life have been quite the treacherous hike.

My heart has stopped beating so many a time,

Betrayed by all three, the only three, I uttered the three, and held so sublime.

You still hang on these words that I’m writing for me,

I wish i knew why, you still want to see.

After all of this I’m still wishing for you,

That winding trail with the breathtaking view.

I was hoping by your side I’d stare at it too,

I wish you’d forgive me for caring about you.

Wasn't this enough proof?

Proof of the things that i said? I pulled this from a million images inside of your head. Maybe it was a clue, for you too, to find the vibrations in you. Now I am gone, disappearing into the abyss. No more will you see me, you I will miss.

Walking my path

Some of us truly are what we say.

Too bad the story in your head will never let you believe that. 😥

 

 

Blue Moons and Butterflies

04-16-14
One year ago today
hearts did break
the dark filled me up
the moon it went away

nothing good could be found
life had no purpose
the universe was lying
the ship had run aground

all the patience that I had built
all the signs I knew I saw
everything had broken
and then I saw my guilt

I opened my eyes to the lesson
I took inventory of what I'd gained
the reason for the butterfly
I sat with all the pain

I took what I could muster
I picked myself back up
my heart somehow still beating
with effervescent luster

I see that I'm still becoming
and that you gave to me
the gift of your reflection
for my soul to finally be

the gift that you gave to me
is worth everything I've lost
the fear guilt and sadness
have become creativity

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Testimonials from people who have NOT benefited from a daily meditation and yoga routine.

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😉

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This Year’s Garden

Goodbye spring. It was quite the fling.IMG_20150830_091146

Never did I wish for such a thing.

The flowers did bloom, and the birds did sing,

But i had envisioned much bigger things.

 

We planted a seed,

We took interest in each others need.

Then lost hold on the lead.

 

Almost from the first peak of a bud from the ground.

I really thought you’d stick around.

Every time that we shared space, happiness did abound.IMG_20150830_085604

Every day a new flower found.

 

I forgot to water you one day.

And it all just went away.

A single moment in a pleasant day.

 

The withering was fast.

The sun grew hot, the time flew past.

I watered away, but stood aghast.

At the deadened leaves in piles amassed.

 

No matter the attention I gave.DSC01304

This I could not save.

I had become to you just another knave.

 

The pattern to me now is clear.

We can only be allowed so near.

Before we are forced to swim through past rivers of tears.

And all the things that drive the fear.

 

We are pushed back down into the ground,

Just as we were found.DSC01291

Like trampled dead leaves scattered all around.

 

It is not about us.

This pain and mistrust.

It comes from a place, long refused to adjust.

A mind so cluttered it causes such fuss.

 

We are victims of walls built so long ago.

Yet you hold on for dear life whenever we go.11187144_1392980971029024_626570360756639846_o

Pushing and pulling whenever we’re close.

 

The heat has ended, overcome by the cold.

Petals have fallen amongst the mold.

Surprised by the obvious, obviously foretold.

Into this fall I walk, another lesson, to me, extolled.