Well what can I say? I guess we had some misunderstandings. You came to me with such promise. You brought me wonderful gifts and blossoming hope for you. For 23 days I had never been so happy (again). Then poof…
I had good feelings for you, I even quit my beloved coffee as an offering to you. It was one of my last vices that I needed to relinquish, with many already forsworn. I had in my sites happier days, after almost three years of vigorous patience and spiritual renewal. I spied an end to my hearts greatest suffering. My creativity was abounding, and I had finally found my way back to my music. I had financial freedom looming in front of me with my car payments dwindling, and the rest of my mountain of debt in the rearview mirror after finally dedicating myself to it’s good riddance.
…I needed some money from the bank, I decided it was on the way. I wanted to be a nice guy on my way, and grab the smoke shack crowd some coffee. I wasn’t even going to get one for myself, I swear. That deer was the most gorgeous, and behemoth that I had ever seen, for the one second or less that I saw him. I saw his mouth move as if he was chewing, I remember that. Then BOOM. (I could never be a hunter, I am still having dreams about him almost a year later.) 2015, you turned against me. I killed a beautiful creature, and lost the car that I had nearly paid off in that one second. Instead of that being enough… I remember saying to myself on the way home that day, as my side mirror flapped in the wind, “It’s just a car, things will work out, just breathe” and they did. …Yet you weren’t done testing me. I thought the 2 years prior were a test, and maybe that was my final exam, but no… The next 2 and a half months are a blur to me…
I promise you that I have never in my life felt more defeated than I did during this time. I remember (almost) nothing from your February and March. I spent $10,000 on a car in February. In April, when it was time for an oil change, I could not remember where I bought it. My life was on autopilot for those 2 months. I couldn’t spell, I didn’t go out in public, I have no idea how I got through work with my employment in tact, I weighed myself after hearing my therapist ask “How much weight have you lost?!” I was 92 lbs, but I don’t remember even feeling hungry. If your goal was to break me, bring the spirit that I had grown so much and worked so hard on, back to earth, you succeeded. I have been an addict an alcoholic a liar and a cheat but that, there, was the bottom. The absolute most insignificant I had ever felt in 42 years on this planet. You found a way to slam me to the mat so hard that my breath, the one thing I cherished so much for the 3 years preceding, was gone.
This was the beginning of some terrible misfortune for me. 2015 was a menagerie of sadness, too much anger, too much heartbreak, and too many tears (none of which I ashamed of). I’m pretty sure I cried more tears at 42/43 than I did when I was 1. I am trying not to complain because I know life is “like a box of chocolates”, I just never seemed to find that caramel square this year. I searched for sure, I bought a Dodge Journey after my run in with the deer-apottamus, and have put nearly 24,000 miles on it (quite a Journey) in 10 months searching. I have bitten into a lot of orange chocolate, and weird creamy stuff, every once in a while I got a crisped rice that wasn’t too bad, but no caramel squares. I spent more time in nature this year than I have in many, that I am very thankful for, but even that was a bit jaded. I began the year with the goal of zero intoxicants, at which I failed miserably after coming very close in 2014. Not anywhere near as miserably as in years past, but I did have more cocktails than I wanted. Thankfully there were no drunken, “forgot what I did” or “how I got home” nights, or “omg my head is going to explode” mornings, but I had a goal and failed. This year will be different on that front.
I realized that sometimes soulmates come into our life just to shake things up, and teach us some lessons before fading back into the abyss. Sometimes in silence like they never existed, and sometimes screaming and clawing. I learned that having the same phone number for many years says more about you than that you pay your bill on time. I became aware of the fact that if you love your enemies, then only they have enemies. The saddest part of all to me was August 21st. I said goodbye to my faithful and perfect four legged friend Marley. (At some point I will be able to write more than a paragraph or two about him without soaking my keyboard with salt tears.)
On the bright side I read many good books, the best of which came two days before Christmas and is already in my memory, “The Things I Would Like To Do With You” by Waylon Lewis. I took many amazing photos, wrote more words than I have in years (almost 60,000) , learned many new things, and created a bunch. I spent a ton of time on my meditation practice, and have a much greater understanding of why I am here on this planet. I realized that I can’t keep working the job that I have, and hope that early 2016 changes that negativity for me. I realized that after the worst heartbreak of my life that my heart was still there, and still able to love, and be broken again. I learned through that to trust my intuition because it rarely fails me. Above all I learned that communication, transparent trust, and honesty (completely different things) in any type of relationship, is key. If that fails, nothing good is on the other side.
I had many adventures in 2015, and got out of NYS by myself for the first time ever. I saw an eagle, I hiked Letchworth State Park with my sister’s which was AWESOME! I saw many sunsets, most alone like usual, some not. I saw the moon turn red twice, grew some amazing veggies, flowers, and herbs, and realized how much I like to cook.
I have no plans or expectations for 2016 other than to create a better year for myself than 2015, and to find things that I love, and do more of them, and love more of them. I hope for everyone that I know, have known, or will know; health, happiness, and abundance in the year to come. Peace, Love, and Light. ~ p4th3tic