Pictures Of The Day ~ 02.26.16

The sun trying to beat the clouds today over G.I.

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“A kind of light spread out from her. And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid any more.”
John Steinbeck, East of Eden

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Tankers barking buddy Mr. Memphis.

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“The moon changes each night but she does so in an understandable rhythm. And just as the tides ebb and flow and the moon waxes and wanes, our bodies’ hormones ebb and flow and our energies wax and wane. Our bodies are more like the rivers than like the rocks, more like the oceans than like machines. The more we can respect the cycles and changes and needs of our bodies, the more we can move with the flow of our lives.

In other words, swear by the moon. Or, trust your body.”
Golda Poretsky

I may add to this later if I get a walk in so feel free to check back. Saying goodbye to another dear soul today. Rest in peace Uncle Len. ~ With a heavy ❤ p4th3TiC

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Blue Moons and Butterflies

04-16-14
One year ago today
hearts did break
the dark filled me up
the moon it went away

nothing good could be found
life had no purpose
the universe was lying
the ship had run aground

all the patience that I had built
all the signs I knew I saw
everything had broken
and then I saw my guilt

I opened my eyes to the lesson
I took inventory of what I'd gained
the reason for the butterfly
I sat with all the pain

I took what I could muster
I picked myself back up
my heart somehow still beating
with effervescent luster

I see that I'm still becoming
and that you gave to me
the gift of your reflection
for my soul to finally be

the gift that you gave to me
is worth everything I've lost
the fear guilt and sadness
have become creativity

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Dear 2015:

Well what can I say? I guess we had some misunderstandings. You came to me with such promise. You brought me wonderful gifts and blossoming hope for you. For 23 days I had never been so happy (again). Then poof…

I had good feelings for you, I even quit my beloved coffee as an offering to you. It was one of my last vices that I needed to relinquish, with many already forsworn. I had in my sites happier days, after almost three years of vigorous patience and spiritual renewal. I spied an end to my hearts greatest suffering. My creativity was abounding, and I had finally found my way back to my music. I had financial freedom looming in front of me with my car payments dwindling, and the rest of my mountain of debt in the rearview mirror after finally dedicating myself to it’s good riddance.

…I needed some money from the bank, I decided it was on the way. I wanted to be a nice guy on my way, and grab the smoke shack crowd some coffee. I wasn’t even going to get one for myself, I swear. That 0123150422deer was the most gorgeous, and behemoth that I had ever seen, for the one second or less that I saw him. I saw his mouth move as if he was chewing, I remember that. Then BOOM. (I could never be a hunter, I am still having dreams about him almost a year later.) 2015, you turned against me. I killed a beautiful creature, and lost the car that I had nearly paid off in that one second. Instead of that being enough… I remember saying to myself on the way home that day, as my side mirror flapped in the wind, “It’s just a car, things will work out, just breathe” and they did. …Yet you weren’t done testing me. I thought the 2 years prior were a test, and maybe that was my final exam, but no… The next 2 and a half months are a blur to me…

I promise you that I have never in my life felt more defeated than I did during this time. I remember (almost) nothing from your February and March. I spent $10,000 on a car in February. In April, when itDSC01064 was time for an oil change, I could not remember where I bought it. My life was on autopilot for those 2 months. I couldn’t spell,  I didn’t go out in public, I have no idea how I got through work with my employment in tact, I weighed myself after hearing my therapist ask “How much weight have you lost?!” I was 92 lbs, but I don’t remember even feeling hungry. If your goal was to break me, bring the spirit that I had grown so much and worked so hard on, back to earth, you succeeded. I have been an addict an alcoholic a liar and a cheat but that, there, was the bottom. The absolute most insignificant I had ever felt in 42 years on this planet. You found a way to slam me to the mat so hard that my breath, the one thing I cherished so much for the 3 years preceding, was gone.

This was the beginning of some terrible misfortune for me. 2015 was a menagerie of sadness, too much anger, too much heartbreak, and too many tears (none of which I ashamed of). I’m pretty sure I cried more tears at 42/43 than I did when I was 1. I am trying not to complain because I know life is “like a box of chocolates”, I just never seemed to find that caramel square this year. I searched for sure, I bought a Dodge Journey after my run in with the deer-apottamus, and have put nearly 24,000 miles on it (quite a Journey) in 10 months searching. I have bitten into a lot of orange chocolate, and weird creamy stuff, every once in a while I got a crisped rice that wasn’t too bad, but no caramel squares. I spent more time in nature this year than I have in many, that IIMG_20150809_221633 am very thankful for, but even that was a bit jaded. I began the year with the goal of zero intoxicants, at which I failed miserably after coming very close in 2014. Not anywhere near as miserably as in years past, but I did have more cocktails than I wanted. Thankfully there were no drunken, “forgot what I did” or “how I got home” nights, or “omg my head is going to explode” mornings, but I had a goal and failed. This year will be different on that front.

I realized that sometimes soulmates come into our life just to shake things up, and teach us some lessons before fading back into the abyss. Sometimes in silence like they never existed, and sometimes screaming and clawing. I learned that having the same phone number for many years says more about you than that you pay your bill on time. I became aware of the fact that if you love your enemies, then only they have enemies. The saddest part of all to me was August 21st. I said goodbye to my faithful and perfect four legged friend Marley. (At some point I will be able to write more than a paragraph or two about him without soaking my keyboard with salt tears.)

On the bright side I read many good books, the best of which came two days before Christmas and is already in my memory, “The Things I Would Like To Do With You” by Waylon Lewis. I took many amazing photos, wrote more words than I have in years (almost 60,000) , learned many new things, and created a bunch. I spent a ton of time on my meditation practice, and have a much greater understanding of why I am here on this planet. I realized that I can’t keep working the job that I have, and hope thatIMG_20151129_121335 early 2016 changes that negativity for me. I realized that after the worst heartbreak of my life that my heart was still there, and still able to love, and be broken again. I learned through that to trust my intuition because it rarely fails me.  Above all I learned that communication, transparent trust, and honesty (completely different things) in any type of relationship, is key. If that fails, nothing good is on the other side.

I had many adventures in 2015, and got out of NYS by myself for the first time ever. I saw an eagle, I hiked Letchworth State Park with my sister’s which was AWESOME! I blood moon1saw many sunsets, most alone like usual, some not. I saw the moon turn red twice, grew some amazing veggies, flowers, and herbs, and realized how much I like to cook.

I have no plans or expectations for 2016 other than to create a better year for myself than 2015, and to find things that I love, and do more of them, and love more of them. I hope for everyone that I know, have known, or will know; health, happiness, and abundance in the year to come. Peace, Love, and Light. ~ p4th3tic

Gratitude

grat·i·tude
ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/
noun – The mindfullness of taking nothing for granted.

It’s days like today, Thanksgiving Day, when your 40-ish and single that have a tendency to get to you. I left work this morning feeling okay, I remember thinking about my plans for the day. I thought about how I needed to go home, and get some rest as quickly as possible so I could get up, do some laundry, and run errands that had slipped my mind the day before. I remember looking forward to seeing my family for Thanksgiving dinner, but by the time I got to the top of the Grand Island Bridge, and looked out at the horizon burnt a deep red by the still invisible sun, I was in tears.

2015 has been an incredibly emotionally trying and tough year thus far. I had to say goodbye to my best friend and most faithful companion. Marley my first dog, not named after the dog in the movie, rather the namesake of Bob, the artist, musician, and thinker. Definitely one of my favorite people to ever walk amongst us. Marley would have done anything for me, and i for him. He hated rain and snow, but never hesitated to follow me outside into a downpour when i felt the need to feel the rain, as his namesake remarked in one of his most famous quotes.

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Marley’s first taste of snow was in 2001 when our beautiful lake dumped 5 feet on us in 2 days just before Christmas. I will never forget the look he gave me as we went down the steps, and his tiny puppy body disappeared into the snow. He stopped dead in his tracks on the bottom step, shook the snow off of him, turned to me as if to say “aw hell no”, he went right back up the stairs, and into the house. The next day we began to dig out, and I thought it would be fun to jump off the porch into the five feet of snow that now encapsulated the entire backyard about a foot higher than the fence. When I jumped, i turned to see Marley’s reaction. All I saw was his tail as it was engulfed by the snow. The dog that wouldn’t walk through it to pee had, without a thought, jumped in behind me. I learned in that moment true loyalty, not from a person, but from a creature with four legs. It is to this day one of the best feelings I have ever had.

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Marley was 15, he had a bit of trouble with stairs, but for a 15 year old dog he was in pretty good shape. When I came home that morning, and found him stuck spread eagle on the floor crying, I knew it was time to be loyal to him. I know he probably would have suffered through his pains for me for as long as I needed him to, but that day he jumped in after me, I made a pact with him that when it was his time, I would not ever make him suffer for my selfishness. I said goodbye to this beautiful, loyal soul on august 21st. This is the first I’ve had the courage to write about it.

To add to the emotional burdens of this seemingly never ending year I have suffered through 2 heart breaks. I know, attachment is bad. I am bad at it. I am a lover of love. I love being in love. Boundaries and listening to my intuition I need to work on. Without sounding judgmental and childish, I lost 2 people I cared deeply about this year. One was a tremendous heartbreak, the other heartbreaking. Not sure if that makes any sense to you, it does to me. I’m sorry that I don’t have a better explanation, but there is an upside to all of this sadness and heartbreak that is more in line with what I should be discussing on a day like today. Gratitude.

I have learned through life to take nothing for granted. Just last night at work I had a dear friend tell me that her cousins’ wife, who was 33 years old, went to work, collapsed and died from an aneurysm. My heartbreak seems very small in comparison. She was happy, vibrant, and talking about plans for thanksgiving with coworkers, and bam, gone. In one moment, maybe one breath, many lives changed.

Moments like these teach you gratitude for everything. They teach you to look for a deeper meaning in life. This woman said to me. ” It just goes to show you, go do your life. Don’t waste your time saving up for things to be right. Just go do it.” I’m not sure she noticed, but as I turned to leave, and told her how sorry I was for her loss, I shed a few tears before walking back into work. This spoke to me, not only the utter sadness of it all for the poor woman’s family, but also that I am at a turning point in my life. A point at which I have decided that I am in charge of making me happy. I am no longer putting my happiness in the hands of anyone or anything. As sad as this was for her, it was another sign to me to follow the path that I clearly see lying in front of me.

The point in all of this is that I have been learning to find the good in the bad. Sometimes it is not easy, but if you really spend some time searching, many times from the bad, some amazing things happen. Regardless of how tremendously the first heartbreak affected me I realize it was a life changing experience for me. I found sobriety, yoga, and meditation from that period in my life. These three things have probably been the best things I have ever accomplished/learned in my 43 years walking on this grand blue ball. I am grateful for this. These things have taught me to love and believe that with determination and dedication I can accomplish anything. The latter has taught me that I need to allow myself to be loved, even though I am not perfect. It also taught me how I deserve to be treated, and how I should never allow myself to be treated, all in almost the same breath.

I am grateful for all the things that you are grateful for too… The family, the friends, the wine, and the pie (Butterfinger pie OMG!) Most of all I am thankful that after 43 years that I am still learning about myself, and growing every moment. I am grateful to be able to sit in a moment, whether good or bad, and realize that it too shall pass, and that these fleeting moments are all meant to teach us something, and that everyone crosses our path for a reason, no matter the time that they spend with us. Happy Thanksgiving to you ALL!

❤ p4th3tic