Signs, signs, everywhere a sign…

I’m always looking for signs. Sometimes they are tiny things like a song on the radio at the exact right moment, or when you figure out that gut feeling you had was exactly right. But sometimes they’re so prodigious that they can’t be ignored. Today I spent 2nd-guessing quitting my job. I had prepared myself for that, second-guessing is a very natural human reaction when making any important life-changing decision. Still it ate away at my psyche a bit, and muddled up my mood.

I took a short afternoon nap, and decided to go see the sunset when I awoke, as I do most days that I am DSC02224awake for them. I decided to change it up a bit and go somewhere different, maybe for a different perspective that might lighten my mood. Almost without thinking about it I decided on Chestnut Ridge. I had never been there for a sunset, and had read that the sunsets there were amazing. There are swings that you can sit on and stare out over the ridge. You can see almost the entire shoreline all the way to downtown Buffalo from this vantage point. When I arrived, to my dismay, the swings had been taken out for the winter. I sat in my car for a few minutes debating on whether I would just sit on the ground. Then I remembered I had a couple of folding chairs stowed under the floor in the back of the truck.

I grabbed my phone and my camera, and as I was getting out of the truck I saw a beautiful red tail hawk soaring above the hill. I hurried to grab my chair hoping to get a good picture of the bird. Sadly by the IMG_20160316_191258811_HDRtime I got the chair, the bird had flown elsewhere. I walked over to the top of the hill and chose a good spot near where one of the swings had been, in order to watch the sunset. As I pulled the chair from the bag, I looked over and saw young man with dreadlocks sitting on a wicker throne some 10 yards from me. I sat in silence taking in the view for a few minutes, and readying my camera for what was sure to be a breathtaking sunset. As I looked over at the young man, he was unpacking something from his own bag, it looked to be some sort of drum.

As he began to play I was awed by the sound of what he later told me was called a hang drum. I had seenDSC02225 them online in videos but never live. The sound of it was amazing. It was inspiring and soothing and created a very meditative mood. I snapped a couple pictures of him, but after listening for a few minutes I forgot all about my camera. He played nonstop for a good 10 minutes. I was hoping for him to take a break for a minute so that I could tell him how amazing it was. I finally decided I had to stop him myself and tell him. I walked up to him and I said, “I’m sorry man, I don’t want to break your groove but I had to thank you for playing for me.” He shook my hand and thanked me. He asked me my name, and told me his name was Nate. I asked him if I could record him for a few mins. He said, “Yea man record away.” I stood next to him and crouched down. It was the perfect vantage point as I could see the sun setting behind him. I took a couple of minute-and-a-half videos. When he finished we both looked at each other and kind of laughed, I think we both realized what a perfect moment it was.

We chatted for a few minutes afterward about politics, the state of the world, and what each of us did for a living. It was refreshing to hear someone so young with such wisdom. It turns out we both had a pretty crummy day, and we had both come to cleanse the day away. Experiencing his music definitely did the trick for me. I told him my name on Facebook so that he could see the video after I uploaded it.

When I got home I viewed the video and I was in awe. The second video I took had a beautiful fade in as the sun overexposed the lens of the camera, and just as he was finishing up that same overexposure of the lens happened again. You can hear my giddy laugh as he finishes up. Yep that was exactly what I needed for the day thanks Nate. I hope you enjoy this video as much as I enjoyed it live!

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Deep in thought…

12009842_1010929048971496_1783212286881627438_n     For the last three days I have been deep in thought. I disconnected from everything and everyone, well except my best dog buddy, and just took some time to think. I didn’t plan the future or even think further ahead than the moment I was in. I just took some time to feel everything in my life. I have been very drained from the constant struggle between what I truly believe, and the thing that I have done for a living for the last, almost 4 years. As I have awakened to truths, and see how terribly misguided and lied to we all are through advertising, mainstream media, government, and even our own doctors, it has become more and more clear to me that I can no longer tolerate the sadness, and guilt I feel everyday when I walk through those doors, under the guise that I am “saving lives”. The pharmaceutical industry cares nothing for you or your loved ones, they care only for the billions of dollars that they can make off of you. They need you sick, the doctors need you sick, every single person that is employed there, needs you sick. They want customers, it makes very little business sense for them to actually help you. This is a fact that I have witnessed everyday for almost 4 years. You can argue with me if you’d like, but I have no argument to give you back, it is no longer worth my breath. I’ve seen and participated in the lies daily, I’ve seen “the waving of the magic wand” over and over.

I know in my heart the way to health, and it has nothing to do with pills or medicine. Health comes from6e3e1105ad1342889f1c8f92ec648685 inside you. The vessel your spirit lives in is piloted by a mind with almost limitless power. We are creators, everything we have, we create, good or bad. That which you give power to, has power over you. Our intuition, that little voice inside our head that chatters all day, knows what’s best for us, yet we are trained almost from birth to ignore it. We follow the leader and keep up with the Jones’. We watch TV and stare at our phones more than we pay attention to the 3 lb god that lives inside of our vessel.

I am utterly convinced that I am on a path in a direction that I have very little control over. Every step I take brings me new revelations about life, love, loss, and learning. I see little signs everywhere. Just a tiny example, I have read three books this year, on three completely different topics, suggested by three different people. Yet each one has mentioned the book that I had just previously finished. I am being guided by something much larger. I used to think asking for signs was tempting fate. I ask for signs nearly daily now, and almost unfailingly they come to me.

The one lesson that has shined through all the others to me throughout these last 4 years of my life, loves, and work is truth. Honesty is the most important part of our existence and the ground level of d032d0f3c0c2775d231e90de878e06e0every type of relationship we ever have. Truth is not always easy, it is not always what we want to hear, sometimes it beats the living crap out of us, and sometimes it angers others, but in the end it is the most important part of our existence. I would rather be hurt by the truth, than ever lied to. And I would rather be honest than anything else. In my line of work that is, I have found, impossible.

I’ve spent my whole life not even being true to myself. Poisoning my body and ignoring my mind. I finally realized that just about the same time I began working at this job. I believe that was also a part of a path toward clarity for me. If I couldn’t be true to myself, how could I ever be true to others? How many of you reading this are being true to yourself? I mean really deep down inside. Are you searching for the gift you are supposed to share with the world, or are you, like I have mostly always been, just doing what you were taught was right? Are you trying to adult your way to the next moment, or living life for a paycheck because you are taught you have to? Are you staying with a partner for the simple fact that it is easier to suck it up and just deal with it, rather than put the work in and be true to your own spirit, your own voice inside your head? Are you taking medications daily or giving them to your children because, some guy in a white coat, paid by a billion dollar corporation, tells you that it will help. You are likely taking years off of your life, and time away from your loved ones every time you swallow a pill.

Take the time for them and for yourself and work at your health, and your life, it will bring much larger rewards. The cells in your body regenerate an almost completely new you every few months. This is where the now countless stories of people given a few days to live with terminal disease who are now cured, come from. The stories are all nearly the same. These people simply decided they were going to heal. In your life, find the things that little voice is telling you, that your conscience is telling you are wrongd08004a2c32523c03c88413d32012aa1 and turn them around. Stop ignoring what you know is right because of what someone else tells you. Look within for the answers because every single one of them is there for you. The medicines you take will never help you find them, and in all likelihood, as it undoubtedly says on the packaging, are doing more harm than good. There are stories of people addicted to Xanax that have been trying unsuccessfully for years to wean off of it. While they may bring temporary relief for your symptoms, provided they are what they profess to be, they will never cure you of anything.

     I know I am here in some respect to heal people. I am still searching for the how. The best way I know to help someone heal right now is through sharing what I have learned and read about while on this path. The stories are endless, whether it be debilitating trauma, cancer, AIDS, mental disorders, addiction, etc. Mine is one of them. The way to true healing comes from within.

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This is the book I am reading now. If you have any kind of trauma, that you have suffered in your life this book will give you a very real healing path, and also better help you understand the effects that trauma has in your life, and the ways our body deals with it. It will help you better recognize the signs our body gives us, what they mean, and how to better deal with triggers. This man has spent his lifetime working with trauma patients.

365


365 days

That could have went a million different ways.

I took a chance that I thought I had missed.

Still so very sad, that it became this.

Hello goodbyes, I reminisce,

I thought there’d be so much you’d miss.

On this day I invited you in,

Quickly my heart began to spin.

I fell further each day.

All my tears withered away.

You pulled me up from the bottomless pit,

Without you, there, I would still sit.

Even after all, that it became,

I miss you each day, for that, I am not ashamed.

I’m not the person that you’re seeing in me.

I promised that, to you, I never would be.

Still lost for why things, are what they are.

All I can do, for you, is wish upon stars.

If, when you walked away, what you said was true.

Then you walked away from me, for something you never even knew.

I hope you are well, and finding some peace,

I still care about you, that will never cease.

When I said those three words, I meant them for true.

My love doesn’t die, that is love, even if it wasn’t in you.

You said that it was, how quickly it flew.

It mustn’t have been, or those words simply have a different meaning to you.

I know it was quick, and I’m sorry for that,

I see clearer than most, with my feelings I’ve sat.

The healer in me always throws open my arms,

When instead it should set off all my alarms.

Yet I never said a lying word to you,

Every word from my mouth was utterly true.

Your reading these words, and fearing of me,

Yet to you, that, I never would be.

I know that trust is hard to believe,

I wish you could see, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I mean you no harm, I care so much about you,

It hurts to hear the things that you’re thinking I do.

I thank you for what you’ve brought back to me,

Nature, my heart, all the things you said I should see.

More fun with you, they would have been,

It wasn’t to be, I still wish it was then.

I’m sorry that you don’t get to choose how I feel.

You don’t get a say in the ways that I heal.

I lost something that meant a lot to me.

I tried to tell YOU, but you banished me.

I’m sorry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and all of the like.

The last few years of my life have been quite the treacherous hike.

My heart has stopped beating so many a time,

Betrayed by all three, the only three, I uttered the three, and held so sublime.

You still hang on these words that I’m writing for me,

I wish i knew why, you still want to see.

After all of this I’m still wishing for you,

That winding trail with the breathtaking view.

I was hoping by your side I’d stare at it too,

I wish you’d forgive me for caring about you.

Wasn't this enough proof?

Proof of the things that i said? I pulled this from a million images inside of your head. Maybe it was a clue, for you too, to find the vibrations in you. Now I am gone, disappearing into the abyss. No more will you see me, you I will miss.

Walking my path

Some of us truly are what we say.

Too bad the story in your head will never let you believe that. 😥

 

 

Pictures of the day 03.04.16

My camera holds, count them, 14 pictures. I love trying to find the best shots because of that. Sometimes I’ll take a pic 5 or 6 times to get good lighting etc. Sometimes I will look at them, and delete them not really knowing what they will look like on something bigger that a 1 and a half inch screen. When I am walking the dog however I don’t have time for doing that. Many times I will just put the timer on, set the camera down without really looking where it’s aimed, and walk away. More often than not these turn out better than anything I ponder over. This is kind of the way I have been trying to live my life. Just do what feels right, most times what feels right, is. Even the times that it doesn’t seem that way, if you give things enough time to develop, even the things that seemed wrong in the moment really weren’t. They just didn’t follow your plan…

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

~ John Lennon

 

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I’m smiling in this one because we both almost fell on our faces 2 seconds before this snapped. The chunk of ice we were standing on broke lol. That would have been the best pic of the day…

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There is no wind at all on our walk today, but you can see the trees have seen plenty of storms…

“you feel like a candle in a hurricane, just like a picture with a broken frame. alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight, but you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright. Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of you might bend till you break cause it’s all you can take. you get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off then you stand!”
Rascal Flatts

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“The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
Robert Frost

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Peace, Love, and (sun) Light ❤ p4th3TiC

 

Pictures of the Day 03.03.16

This dude came into my life when I least wanted another animal. I had a 7 year old dog, a cat, and a kitten. I despised my ex when she snuck him into the house while I worked a 12 hour shift. I had just started playing in a new Irish band, and was spending every extra moment I had learning their music for the quickly upcoming St. Patrick’s Day festivities. He was the size of my hand and I told her to get him out of the house. Thank God she did not listen to me. I would not know what to do without him at this point in my life. He isn’t the most well trained pup, and he is very unsociable unless you are in his personal space, but once he gets a sniff on you he falls in love. He is the most cuddly animal I have ever been around. I am grateful everyday for your companionship…

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“Our differences need not divide us because even as we are unique and individual, we are also all one.”
Karen Kimsey-House, Co-Active Leadership: Five Ways to Lead

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“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
Albert Einstein

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“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”
Marilyn Monroe
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Peace, Love, Light ~ p4th3TiC