365


365 days

That could have went a million different ways.

I took a chance that I thought I had missed.

Still so very sad, that it became this.

Hello goodbyes, I reminisce,

I thought there’d be so much you’d miss.

On this day I invited you in,

Quickly my heart began to spin.

I fell further each day.

All my tears withered away.

You pulled me up from the bottomless pit,

Without you, there, I would still sit.

Even after all, that it became,

I miss you each day, for that, I am not ashamed.

I’m not the person that you’re seeing in me.

I promised that, to you, I never would be.

Still lost for why things, are what they are.

All I can do, for you, is wish upon stars.

If, when you walked away, what you said was true.

Then you walked away from me, for something you never even knew.

I hope you are well, and finding some peace,

I still care about you, that will never cease.

When I said those three words, I meant them for true.

My love doesn’t die, that is love, even if it wasn’t in you.

You said that it was, how quickly it flew.

It mustn’t have been, or those words simply have a different meaning to you.

I know it was quick, and I’m sorry for that,

I see clearer than most, with my feelings I’ve sat.

The healer in me always throws open my arms,

When instead it should set off all my alarms.

Yet I never said a lying word to you,

Every word from my mouth was utterly true.

Your reading these words, and fearing of me,

Yet to you, that, I never would be.

I know that trust is hard to believe,

I wish you could see, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I mean you no harm, I care so much about you,

It hurts to hear the things that you’re thinking I do.

I thank you for what you’ve brought back to me,

Nature, my heart, all the things you said I should see.

More fun with you, they would have been,

It wasn’t to be, I still wish it was then.

I’m sorry that you don’t get to choose how I feel.

You don’t get a say in the ways that I heal.

I lost something that meant a lot to me.

I tried to tell YOU, but you banished me.

I’m sorry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and all of the like.

The last few years of my life have been quite the treacherous hike.

My heart has stopped beating so many a time,

Betrayed by all three, the only three, I uttered the three, and held so sublime.

You still hang on these words that I’m writing for me,

I wish i knew why, you still want to see.

After all of this I’m still wishing for you,

That winding trail with the breathtaking view.

I was hoping by your side I’d stare at it too,

I wish you’d forgive me for caring about you.

Wasn't this enough proof?

Proof of the things that i said? I pulled this from a million images inside of your head. Maybe it was a clue, for you too, to find the vibrations in you. Now I am gone, disappearing into the abyss. No more will you see me, you I will miss.

Walking my path

Some of us truly are what we say.

Too bad the story in your head will never let you believe that. 😥

 

 

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Pics of the Day 03.06.16

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I’ve been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within

My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I’ve been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

~ Maynard James Keenan

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“A Dragon Rose is a flying flower that breathes fire. A relationship isn’t truly a romance if there isn’t a tiny element of danger involved.”
Jarod Kintz (This Book is Not FOR SALE)

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“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”
Walt Whitman

❤ ~ p4th3TiC

 

The dog days of… winter?

I decided last weekend after working way too many weekends in a row that I was going to take this one off. I had originally planned a trip to North Carolina for this weekend, but had to postpone that for a bit. I decided I needed a nature reset so I planned a trip out to Dansville to visit Sugar Creek and Stony Brook for a mid winter hike (that may or may not have been trespassing). I wanted to take the dog this time because he has been such a good boy these past few weeks as I worked like a ‘dog’. 😉 Sadly, a couple of days ago, he hurt his knee yet again slipping on some ice. I had researched these hikes a bit and one was classified ‘strenuous’. Probably a bad idea for a dog with a gimpy leg. I thought about leaving him home to rest it, but I really wanted some company and had promised him. (yes he listens to and understands every word I say) I decided we would go back to Taughannock Falls that I visited earlier this fall. The hike was very flat, and not very long. The ride was very pretty and long, so we could spend some time together driving and stopping to pee lol.

I went out to the truck about 5 am to a light snow falling, but pretty mild temps for late January in Buffalo, and emptied it of the haul of driftwood that I had gotten the day before, save for one piece I left for tank to chew into sawdust on our ride. I put Tank’s camo sweater on, laid out his blanket in the truck, made sure I had my camera, fresh batteries, and some drinks for us. I opened the gate and in a red brindle flash old gimpy jumped in that truck like a puppy with brand new legs. I closed the hatch and got in and Tank was paying homage to his brother Marley by sniffing his old collar that now rides with us on our rear view mirror wherever we go. Off we went on our 2 and a half hour journey in our Journey. Here is the rest in pictures. He loved it!

It definitely was a different landscape than when I was there a couple of months prior. Not a fisherman in sight this time.

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Our nice flat and easy path.

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A truly beautiful waterfall. Definitely my favorite one that I have visited recently, and well worth seeing it in it’s winter coat! The energy in this spot is amazing.

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Tank needs a selfie stick? 😉

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Quick take the pic so I can check it out!

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Can’t resist…

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…The urge. 🙂 ❤

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Okay one good pic then let’s check it out okay?

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You’re right Tank, how lucky we are…

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…To have each other. ❤

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A quick stop at Buttermilk Falls before heading home…

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And of course the bad ass art stop for the day. This is a tree carved and painted. Pretty spectacular!

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Peace, love, and light ❤ ~p4th3tic

 

 

Dear 2015:

Well what can I say? I guess we had some misunderstandings. You came to me with such promise. You brought me wonderful gifts and blossoming hope for you. For 23 days I had never been so happy (again). Then poof…

I had good feelings for you, I even quit my beloved coffee as an offering to you. It was one of my last vices that I needed to relinquish, with many already forsworn. I had in my sites happier days, after almost three years of vigorous patience and spiritual renewal. I spied an end to my hearts greatest suffering. My creativity was abounding, and I had finally found my way back to my music. I had financial freedom looming in front of me with my car payments dwindling, and the rest of my mountain of debt in the rearview mirror after finally dedicating myself to it’s good riddance.

…I needed some money from the bank, I decided it was on the way. I wanted to be a nice guy on my way, and grab the smoke shack crowd some coffee. I wasn’t even going to get one for myself, I swear. That 0123150422deer was the most gorgeous, and behemoth that I had ever seen, for the one second or less that I saw him. I saw his mouth move as if he was chewing, I remember that. Then BOOM. (I could never be a hunter, I am still having dreams about him almost a year later.) 2015, you turned against me. I killed a beautiful creature, and lost the car that I had nearly paid off in that one second. Instead of that being enough… I remember saying to myself on the way home that day, as my side mirror flapped in the wind, “It’s just a car, things will work out, just breathe” and they did. …Yet you weren’t done testing me. I thought the 2 years prior were a test, and maybe that was my final exam, but no… The next 2 and a half months are a blur to me…

I promise you that I have never in my life felt more defeated than I did during this time. I remember (almost) nothing from your February and March. I spent $10,000 on a car in February. In April, when itDSC01064 was time for an oil change, I could not remember where I bought it. My life was on autopilot for those 2 months. I couldn’t spell,  I didn’t go out in public, I have no idea how I got through work with my employment in tact, I weighed myself after hearing my therapist ask “How much weight have you lost?!” I was 92 lbs, but I don’t remember even feeling hungry. If your goal was to break me, bring the spirit that I had grown so much and worked so hard on, back to earth, you succeeded. I have been an addict an alcoholic a liar and a cheat but that, there, was the bottom. The absolute most insignificant I had ever felt in 42 years on this planet. You found a way to slam me to the mat so hard that my breath, the one thing I cherished so much for the 3 years preceding, was gone.

This was the beginning of some terrible misfortune for me. 2015 was a menagerie of sadness, too much anger, too much heartbreak, and too many tears (none of which I ashamed of). I’m pretty sure I cried more tears at 42/43 than I did when I was 1. I am trying not to complain because I know life is “like a box of chocolates”, I just never seemed to find that caramel square this year. I searched for sure, I bought a Dodge Journey after my run in with the deer-apottamus, and have put nearly 24,000 miles on it (quite a Journey) in 10 months searching. I have bitten into a lot of orange chocolate, and weird creamy stuff, every once in a while I got a crisped rice that wasn’t too bad, but no caramel squares. I spent more time in nature this year than I have in many, that IIMG_20150809_221633 am very thankful for, but even that was a bit jaded. I began the year with the goal of zero intoxicants, at which I failed miserably after coming very close in 2014. Not anywhere near as miserably as in years past, but I did have more cocktails than I wanted. Thankfully there were no drunken, “forgot what I did” or “how I got home” nights, or “omg my head is going to explode” mornings, but I had a goal and failed. This year will be different on that front.

I realized that sometimes soulmates come into our life just to shake things up, and teach us some lessons before fading back into the abyss. Sometimes in silence like they never existed, and sometimes screaming and clawing. I learned that having the same phone number for many years says more about you than that you pay your bill on time. I became aware of the fact that if you love your enemies, then only they have enemies. The saddest part of all to me was August 21st. I said goodbye to my faithful and perfect four legged friend Marley. (At some point I will be able to write more than a paragraph or two about him without soaking my keyboard with salt tears.)

On the bright side I read many good books, the best of which came two days before Christmas and is already in my memory, “The Things I Would Like To Do With You” by Waylon Lewis. I took many amazing photos, wrote more words than I have in years (almost 60,000) , learned many new things, and created a bunch. I spent a ton of time on my meditation practice, and have a much greater understanding of why I am here on this planet. I realized that I can’t keep working the job that I have, and hope thatIMG_20151129_121335 early 2016 changes that negativity for me. I realized that after the worst heartbreak of my life that my heart was still there, and still able to love, and be broken again. I learned through that to trust my intuition because it rarely fails me.  Above all I learned that communication, transparent trust, and honesty (completely different things) in any type of relationship, is key. If that fails, nothing good is on the other side.

I had many adventures in 2015, and got out of NYS by myself for the first time ever. I saw an eagle, I hiked Letchworth State Park with my sister’s which was AWESOME! I blood moon1saw many sunsets, most alone like usual, some not. I saw the moon turn red twice, grew some amazing veggies, flowers, and herbs, and realized how much I like to cook.

I have no plans or expectations for 2016 other than to create a better year for myself than 2015, and to find things that I love, and do more of them, and love more of them. I hope for everyone that I know, have known, or will know; health, happiness, and abundance in the year to come. Peace, Love, and Light. ~ p4th3tic

10 Miles + hiked, 3 State Parks Visited, and many photos taken!

     I decided late last night I needed some nature time today in order to clear my head of all the stress of the past few weeks, and to help me put in perspective all of the decisions I have to make soon. I decided to head off toward Ithaca. I left about 5:30 am, and as always seems to happen lately, it couldn’t have worked out better. I got to watch the sunrise over Cayuga Lake.

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     Icing on the cake for the 2 and a half hour trip? Bad ass art…

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     I was on my way to Robert H. Treman State Park when I saw a sign that said “falls overlook next right”, so I turned right and ended up here with this fantastic view. I decided to explore a little more, and found the (very easy, flat, and kid and pet friendly) gorge trail that led me about a mile to the base of this 215 foot beauty… 

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     After sitting in awe for a bit at the beauty of Taughannock Falls I hiked back to the car and continued down Rte. 89S to find the prize at the end of my 2 and a half hour journey in my Dodge Journey. As I got closer I noticed another sign that said “Buttermilk Falls next left”. I tried to get over to make the turn, but I could not. I decided I would stop on the way back if there was time. I continued on, and finally found Robert H. Treman State Park. I went down the “Gorge Trail” there. This was a 2 and a half mile trek up and down pretty steep inclines with many waterfalls along the way, and many stairs. After I finished the gorge trail I went back the way I came, and then took the bridge over the Enfield Creek to the “Upper Rim Trail” that took me up a good 200 steep stairs to a view of Lucifer Falls from above. These trails were quite the workout. The stairs to the upper rim got me so winded that I had to take a break before I finished the last flight of stairs. The views were well worth the exercise. I was supposed to camp here for a weekend in October, but it fell through. This is the only way this trip could have been better, 3 days to take it all in, and a tour guide.

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     Last stop on my tour. I had nothing left in my still shaking legs for a trail. I was very relieved to see this sight a few feet from the entrance. A perfect end to a perfect day. ❤

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