It has been three years of personal growth, removing negativity, finding the now, and overcoming ego. I am still searching for my tribe. The people who are like me. The healers, the dreamers, the creators, the lovers of beauty. I long to roam with you, and talk to you. I yearn to learn more from you, to hear your stories, and cry with you. I pine to sit and breathe with you, and to feel the vibrations that come from you. More than anything, I want to move mountains with you. I have overcome so much hatred, anger, and self doubt, and I want to share that all with you, and to share all that encompasses us with the world, to make it better, and to light the way for those who were me 3 years ago.
I know you are hiding right before my eyes. Sometimes I see you in a group of people all hiding in their distractions. I know what you look like. You are the one with the smile in a room full of darkness, the person that walks by me, makes the hair on my arms stand on end, and sprouts goosebumps inside my chest. Sometimes the sound of your voice is so familiar it will stop me in my tracks, and make me look for you in through a crowd just to get a glimpse. I’ve seen you many times, sometimes your face is wrinkled, and sometimes you wear the mask of a young child. I even sometimes see your demons withering about you, and understand what that feels like.
There are so many on this path, yet they all seem so far ahead, or behind that I can’t run fast enough to catch up, and am fearful to look back, worried that I may have to repeat a lesson I have already learned so many times. There must be someone I can reach in order to reach more. I have set the intention that my teacher find me, my search has me weary and worn.
I find myself thinking more and more lately about how much easier it was to just pretend I was like most everyone else. It sure was simple to forget things in a drunken stupor, and have confidence at the other end of a straw, or by doing nothing more than staring at a screen that occupied my mind for me. I contemplate how staying in this 9 to 5, and paying bills until I die from eating garbage because I don’t have the time or care to be healthy, would just make me disappear back into the throngs. I could make a doctors appointment tomorrow, get some temporary happiness to become addicted to, and tame my monkey mind with no effort. All of these things that I have struggled to beat are creeping back up on me.
All of this healing has taken all that I have, and a dedication that I never knew existed in me. I know that I want to stay here in this place that I have found through my breath and my mind. In this place of beauty, spiritual growth, health, and creativeness. Free from the anger, attachment, and hate that used to fill my days. So please come find me, and remind me about what is pure.
Don’t matter if the road is long
Don’t matter if it’s steep
Don’t matter if the moon is gone
And the darkness is complete
Don’t matter if we lose our way
It’s written that we’ll meet
At least, that’s what I heard you say
A thousand kisses deep…
~ Leonard Cohen