Chapter 40 – Positivity, Gratefulness, and Volition vs. Anger, Resentment, and Compulsion

Turning 40 was hard for me. 30 was a piece of cake, and I have a feeling 50 will be liberating, but 40, 40 was arduous. I have a hard time putting into words the way I felt. My family threw me a surprise party, I think the first one I had ever been given. I am not easy to fool, but they did. It was filled with my close friends, it had balloons, drinks, music, and gifts. I had fallen deeply in love with the woman I thought I was going to marry, and she was a part of the jig. We had fun, I opened gifts, and blew out the candles on a cake, that once lit, more resembled a blow torch than a cake with the 40 candles all melting together. Inwardly though something felt amiss. I don’t think anyone noticed. I have always been somewhat of an introvert, and with 40 years of practice had become pretty good at hiding my feelings, especially if I felt it would affect others. Inside I was detached. I wasn’t really even there. Ever had those times of surreality in a waking moment? Times where you feel detached from everything around you? As if things are just happening, and you have no control over any of it?

This is how I felt in that moment, and three years later I think I understand why. I really believe that those few months prior to that were an awakening for me. As if the universe was giving me a swift kick in the ass. The roller coaster of emotions, and signs I was given during this short period of my life could only be described as surreal. My awareness for something other than the things that we see everyday in this world was growing by leaps and bounds. Without ever sitting on a mat meditating, I had found consciousness, the white wolf in my chest if you will. I did this by simply removing negativity from my life. I had renewed faith in myself, and belief that something greater than me was guiding my steps. One day while contemplating a big decision, I thought about how clear things were becoming to me, and I asked for a sign. I have never done this before in my life. 15 minutes later on the way to work, driving sixty miles an hour, I saw a butterfly. Time slowed to a crawl. I saw this butterfly as clear as day, loop de looping in the air on the side of the road. I never took my eyes off of it as it loop de looped right into my car, and landed on the headrest next to me, as if neither of us were moving at all. It slowly fluttered it’s wings in the breeze, as if it were waving at me. I broke down in tears. This was the moment that I knew that I had to give credence to something larger than me.

I started reading books with topics such as Einstein, energy, physics, healing, meditation, yoga, tipping points, and breathing exercises instead of reading news, and watching movies. I started writing things down. The ways I wanted to heal and change, in order to feed that white wolf, and have something to guide me when things were not perfect. I started going to yoga twice a week, I took a meditation class, and began a routine. I have stripped away those parts of me that did not serve me, ever, in the 40 years I surrendered to them.  The anger, resentment, greed, and hate that led me to compulsion rather than choice. I intentionally replaced them with positivity, gratefulness, kindness, compassion, and love, and found volition instead of compulsion. I stopped drinking after 28 years of alcoholism in one moment. I stopped allowing negative people and ideals to shape my days. I was lonely for a while, but as I keep on this path, those people and ideals are slowly, but surely being replaced with good people and positive motion.

Back to the party… Everyone at this party, I realize now, were people that were positives in my life that I had neglected for many years.  I’m not even sure why most of them came. I can go through the list in my head of people that were there and, still wonder who told who, who to invite. I surely had not done the inviting, but had I, these were all the people that I would have wanted there. The universe was watching over my path that day ensuring I would keep trudging the straight and narrow. It gave me exactly what I needed, when I needed it most. I truly believe the surrealism of that night was the fight of the wolves inside of me. Can you tell which one won?

As I sat writing this yesterday. I received a text out of the blue from one of those positive people, my dear friend Jeorgianna. I hadn’t FullSizeRendertalked to her in a few weeks, but that day, at that moment, as I am, as we all are, always fighting the fight, while I wrote about it. I opened the text and it was this picture, from long ago, no words. I replied to her, “Awww. I thought I would get through a day without crying… :p” She said, “Awe why does it make you said?” My reply? I didn’t say sad. I have had more happy tears from people, things, words and realizations than I have ever imagined lately… Too much spiritual growth and realization in life all at once. It’s a strange time to say the least. I love the picture! Thank you for it!” She said, “I’m glad I love it too, and I love you” It is amazing what you get when you put an intention out there. Now Jeorgianna, You know why I cried.

“No tears in the writer, No tears in the reader.” – Robert Frost This was not a problem for me today…

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