New Beginnings…

From my horoscope…

Libra: This particular eclipse is happening in your sign and it makes this time a very powerful one for you. A focus into your identity, who you are as a person and the stamp you want to make on the world around you could really be highlighted for you at this time. You may stand up for yourself and decide to close an important chapter of your life as a result.

    2015 has not been very kind to me so far.  This particular horoscope, I am hoping, is a sign of a beginning to a new chapter in the story of my life. It is spring, there are green sprouts growing in my garden, we just went through a new moon phase that included the new moon falling on the equinox, and the full moon also featuring a solar eclipse that was the third in the tetrad of ‘Blood Moon’s’.  I have been through some healing, and all the roller coaster of emotions that come along with it; sadness, pain, lethargy, anger, etc. I have been blessed through this healing with reconnecting with great old friends, and making some new friends also. This has lead me into taking stock of where I am in my life, with regards to what I truly want. Through this period of self reflection, I have found that for almost my whole life, that I have let attachment to people, and ideas about what is the adult and “right” thing to do, rule my life. I have come to the realization that I have been wanting something that I was probably never meant to have, a normal life. By normal life I mean, beautiful wife, good job, 2.5 kids, a house, a car… You know, ‘The American Dream’.

For all of my 42 years the universe has been giving me clues that I have chosen to ignore in order to fulfill my “dream” of a “normal” life.  At the age of 23 I found out I couldn’t have children. At 34 I lost the job I thought I would retire from. At 37 my Father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and I became his primary caregiver for the next, almost, 4 years until he passed away. His death, while being one of the hardest moments of my life up until then, became a moment of clarity for me. Not long after he died I began having moments in which I felt almost enlightened, even though I had never practiced meditation or really any kind of spiritual or religious traditions. It felt like my spirit had been awakened from a lifelong slumber. The first realization I remember having was that, had my life followed a different path, be it having children, getting married, or even just keeping my well paying swing shift job that I had lost a few years before. I would not have been able to be there for my father when he needed me the most. I started to realize that sometimes the things you fear the most, are the things that help you grow and open up your spirit. I was experiencing gratitude for one of the darkest moments of my life. I was opening up to the belief that something bigger than me was directing me right where I needed to be for each moment in my life. I was learning to surrender,  and trust the universe after years of thinking that I was failing at life. I had found that where I was, turned out to be, right where I belonged.

     Not long after this my relationship of 20 years ended, followed almost immediately, by falling deeply in love with someone. Again, I began to fall into my old patterns and I thought, this is it! Everything I had always “wanted” had arrived at my doorstep. A beautiful woman with 2 awesome children. I grew, I got sober, I found a spirit and a renewed faith within me that had long been buried. Best of all I found yoga and meditation. The universe had dropped this into my lap to make up for all my suffering, it was my time to be happy I thought! I had, again, attached myself to this feeling of love, and gave it a name and many expectations. Oh how foolish I was. Not because the fairy tale went awry when my love became ill, nor was it because I held out hope that things would recover. I had faith and believed the stars would realign and the fairy tale would resume. I found out very quickly with these expectations that the universe owed me nothing. I, and I alone, am responsible for my happiness. Attaching it to people, feelings, and emotions had again brought me right back to where I was when it all began, heartbroken and alone. This time however, things are more clear to me, and I am armed with the knowledge of these tough life lessons. I am learning that until I surrender to the universe and follow my heart by searching deeply for what truly makes it beat, I will forever be in this cycle of life that I have created by allowing myself to follow this invisible “guide to a normal life” that I have created for myself. Although this lesson has been very emotionally draining, and the hole that it has left in my chest is still gaping, I am finding out more each day that these tough lessons do not define me, and that in the end they bring gratitude and clarity. I realize that these moments of darkness bring about the light, and that things that feel horrible in the moment, if you just sit with them, and accept it for what it is, many times those things become the best things that ever happened to you.

     This time, I am closing this chapter in the story of my life, standing up for myself, and being grateful for the lesson learned. I am taking these lessons, and remembering the lessons of the past, letting go, and surrendering to the universe so that the next great thing has room to grow.

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